Musings of a Midget

Senioritis

2012-01-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

I'd rather take a shower with four hobos who haven't bathed in a decade than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather pull a Britney Spears and shave off my hair than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather eat tofu boiled in 40 year old chicken broth than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather have five beer bottles attached to the fingers on my right hand than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather be stuck in a nursery calling for the rest of my life than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather be immobilized in an outhouse for 8 years with a rabid wolf than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather live in a hut on a deserted island with no one but a babbling Birkahineo native than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather become an ASU fan than go to school tomorrow.

I really don't want to go back to school tomorrow....

"You can't learn in school what the world is going to do next year." -Henry Ford

Lalala

2011-11-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

Six months ago today I met my best friend.

I love him.

The Morning After

2011-10-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

The morning after: no, this does not refer to walking out of a stranger's house with the previous night's dress half way on and the stench of someone's Axe body spray lingering on your skin. This horrible happenstance is waking up the night after an event where over 500 unnecessary photos were taken, only to find every.single.one. of them posted to Facebook. My reaction usually goes something like this:

Stumble out of bed approximately 1:30 pm. Put off going to the bathroom to check Facebook. Open computer and log on. "Holy crap, 47 new notifications, I'm soooo popular!" Peruse notifications. Find 44 new pictures tagged of yourself. Look through pictures. "EW EW EW! HOW LONG HAVE THESE BEEN UP HERE?!?! I NEED TO LOSE 2,0000 POUNDS!!" Untag yourself in pictures faster than UofA lost their chances of going to a bowl game.

I hate the morning after.

"I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands." Dudley Moore

Diet

2011-08-19T16:36:00.001-07:00

Thi whole blog pot will be written without the ue of the letter S. Due to the fact that that key i tuck and driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!

ometime I get idea, and mot of the time, thee idea are horrible. Like, horrible. I had an idea that I hould go on a "Cereal Diet."

Thi i an example of a proper Cereal Diet:

Breakfast:

Bowl of cereal (no more than 160 calories)
2/3 cup milk (1 percent low fat / or fat free)

Lunch:

Bowl of cereal – choose a different brand (no more than 160 calories)
2/3 cup milk (1 percent low fat / or fat free)

Healthy Snacks (Pick three snacks daily)

1 cup apple slices
1 Tbs. peanut butter

4 whole wheat crackers
1 low fat cheese stick

1 cup low fat yogurt (unflavored)
1 cup berries

100 calories of pretzels
2Tbs. raisins

2/3 cup low fat cottage cheese
1 peach or apple

100 calories nut pack or 14 almonds
2 chocolate Hershey’s Kisses

15 baby carrots
¼ cup hummus

Dinner Suggestions: (Pick one daily)

4 oz grilled chicken breast
2 grilled pineapple rings
1 ¼ cup grilled vegetables
½ tsp. olive oil
1 medium baked potato
1 Tbs. each low fat sour cream and low fat cheese

My idea of a Cereal Diet:

11:00 am- one bowl of Captain Crunch.

3:00 pm- one bowl of Cinnamon Life

6:00 pm- one bowl of Fruit Loop

WORT IDEA EVER.

Lat night, i wa ravenou. I could have eaten a an entire Baby Mammoth after four day on thi food regime. O, Chanda made delicou pata and I tuffed my face. Then, we went out to U-wirl. One of thoe fancy little place that let you fill up the cup with frozen yogurt...and then add an entire bottle of prinkle to the top. Flipping Delicou. However, at thi point I wa feeling a little queay due to the pata and having eaten no olid food for the pat four day. After eaten a gallon of that frozen yogurt with mini gummy bear, I wanted to barf. I wa mierable for the next five hour. Moral of the tory: alway wear a helmet.

"Food i an important part of a balanced diet." -Fran Lebowitz

For Chanda

2011-08-10T14:39:00.001-07:00

I have a new roommate. Her name is Chanda, Chanda Mae. She's pretty cool on Tuesdays, Thursdays and most major holidays. Yesterday she was obscenely bored because no one was updating their blogs. So this blog post is dedicated to her. Hopefully it will make up for me using her toothbrush.

Today, I turned in my final paper for some class I don't even know the name of. I went a total of seven times in a 5 week period and landed that A like Captain "Sully" Sullenberger crashing into the Hudson River. As I was turning in my paper, an embarrassing thing happened to me that goes like this:

My professor's office is on the 5th floor of the building. After I turned the paper in, I didn't know where I was in the building I just knew I needed to go down. I went down three flights of stairs and subsequently found a door that lead outside. I went out these doors and found myself surrounded by shrubbery and large generators. As I worked my way out like a survivor, I found myself in the middle of a freaking construction zone going on between two buildings. I honestly tried to find my way out but next thing I knew a man was yelling, "MA'AM THERE'S A TRACTOR COMING! WATCH OUT!" Not knowing what he said, I went over to him and he said, "How the heck did you get in here?" Panicked, I said, "I have no clue!" Then I moved a cone and I walked out of there, thankfully with my life.

"Basically, my life is so boring, it's embarrassing." -Hugh Grant

Mexicans

2011-07-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

There are too many Mexicans in my life. At this current point in my life I have dated two, and had one bike stolen by a Mexican. Wow, I'm really offensive. There are some Mexicans I am fond of, such as the little man at Taco Shop. He knows me and my order and it's very endearing. However, it's not my fault that I have these prejudices. When I was home in Gilbert last my dad made a wonderfully humorous black joke. Of course I laughed and said to him, "this is why I'm a tad racist Dad." For some reason this really offended him. It's not like either of us can help it. When you are an upper-middle class, Mormon, Glenn Beck loving, white man I feel like it just comes with a territory.

Story time.

A few weeks ago, my beloved beach cruiser was cruelly stolen. The lock was left next to the spot where it last was and everything. In my sadness, I posted a Facebook status that read, "Mexicans of Tucson: if i see you riding a bike with a pink basket, not only will you look stupid, but you will have hell to pay." I guess this is offensive?

Next thing I know I get a message from one of my Facebook "friends" ranting on about how sad it is that people from our generation can be so heartlessly cruel to one race. I did feel a little bad but I replied to this message with, "IT'S NOT RACIST IF IT's TRUE."

"In order to get beyond racism, we must first take account of race. There is no other way. And in order to treat some persons equally, we must treat them differently." -Harry A. Blackmun

LAME

2011-06-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

So I got on to blog this afternoon and started to read other people's blogs. This is when I realized how lame I am. Tara had posted about her trip to Denver, Morgan had an account of her epic skydiving trip, and Alix wrote about going to the beach and other awesome things in California. Maybe I'll blog about the smelly guy I sat by at the movies last night another time...or never.

"Hey, you know what, I've gotta go on that 'Letterman Show.' That show is so lame." -Al Gore

Best Buy

2011-05-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

I think that I don't get out enough in Tucson. Reason being, every time I come home to Gilbert, running errands with my parents is one of my favorite things to do. Sadly, going to Target, Sam's Club, and Wal-mart excites me; and my mother rolls her at me throughout the whole experience. Today, my dad needed some cord with ends that we didn't have in the massive box of cords in the office. Of course I volunteered with more enthusiasm than necessary to go to Best Buy with him. While we were there, he couldn't find it. Although I suggested plenty of cords that looked cordy enough for our needs, they were never THE ONE. My dad found a salesperson while I messed around with a touchscreen printer that I accidentally made print and completely embarrassed myself with. As I caught up with my dad, he was talking to the hottest man/salesperson/homosapien I had ever lain eyes upon. Seriously, I could barely stop staring. I could go into detail of his perfectly bronzed skin, chiseled chin, light blue eyes, and wonderfully tousled sandy blonde hair; but I won't. As we were walking out of the store, my dad said to me, "He was attractive wasn't he?" My dad has good taste in men.

"It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly." -Oscar Wilde

Roads

2011-05-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

Here I am, sitting on the bottom bunk of the bunk-bed that my sister and I share when I come home, pondering about life. The past few weeks for me have been a period of soul searching, yoga doing, and horoscope reading, to finally figuring out that proverbial road in life that I am supposed to take. I remember my freshman year, reading Robert Frost's poem about taking roads and making decisions, that everyone reads at some point during their high school career. Mr. Frost, my only criticism is that there are so many roads other than that initial starting crossroad. I might have started with one road but then that road lead to another road with an infinite number of intersections that I have had to consider. It's a freaking pain in the...butt. I watched the movie Eat Pray, Love the other day, and other than being a horrible movie, I found myself relating to the astounding Julia Roberts. No, I am not going to be leaving my husband, but I needed a change in my life. Well my friends, accounting is no longer my future, and the sky is already bluer and the birds are chirping. I can't get away from what I love any longer. English it will be and I am dang excited for once in a long while. Moral of the story: Life is too short not to do what will make you happy. I am excited to do what will make me happy.

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful." -Albert Schweitzer

Unfun

2011-05-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

Well folks, it's that time of year again when I have time to blog. I decided to come home and grace my family with my presence for a week or so. My sister told me I looked fat. I do love her. I'd like to take a minute and reflect on this past semester. I will hereby be labeling this past semester as the UNFUN semester of my college career. A lot of things exploded in my face, and I feel like I did not accomplish as much as I would have liked. I'll have to spend this summer catching up and restarting. I guess that's life, living and learning the hard way. Oi. How is that for a depressing blog post eh?

"Success is simply a matter of luck, ask any failure." -Earl Wilson

Buckets

2011-03-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while. Actually, I never blog but every time that I do, I wish I did it more-like flossing my teeth. Today we were at my aunt's house in California and she has the most darling two year old. At one point, my dad pointed to her and said, "Just a few more years and you'll have one like this Amy." Just a few more years?! Yeah like ten! Another example. On my birthday a few weeks ago my mom said to me, "You're 20, I was married when I was 20." Hey no pressure right? I guess living for two decades means you have to either be having children or have won the Nobel Peace Prize. Here is a list of things I'd like to do in my 20's...and in life.

1. Hike Mount Kilimanjaro
2. Sky Dive (really cliche but I had to put that one on there)
3. Surf
4. GRADUATE (this should be number one)
5. Work for Disney
6. Learn a new language and live in that country
7. Open my own business
8. Go to Cal State Fullerton
9. Move to Chicago
10. Own a car
11. Read more books
12. Get my piano performance degree
13. Write for a newspaper
14. Backpack through Europe (again, cliche but it must be done)
15. Teach Economics
16. Hot air balloon
17. Go to Canada
18. Learn how to take decent pictures
19. Snowboard in Austria
20. Be in Time's Square on New Year's Eve

"Life is a ticket to the greatest show on earth."
-Martin H. Fischer

Liars

2011-01-19T14:53:00.000-08:00

I think that they need to change the wording of the ninth commandment. My whole life i have been taught that some guy named Moses went up on a mountain, and came down with a slab of rock that outlined rules that have revolutionized the course of religious history. I guess that's pretty cool i just have one problem; the average male cannot interpret the meaning of the ninth one on there. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS. If I ever talk to God face to face we are going to have a long conversation on why he didn't simply make this one say, "thou shalt not lie." It truly would've made my life much easier.

Although, to all you liars, thieves, cheaters, and politicians out there, I give you credit. The art of lying is a skill that people with morals can never master. Plus, I can't blame you, the ninth commandment is hard to understand. So please, go ahead and keep pretending to be someone you're not. You definitely have me fooled.

"A lie has speed, but truth has endurance." -Edgar J. Mohn

Schooled

2010-08-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

After an uneventful summer in Gilbert, Tucson, aka the dirty T, the 520 has welcomed me back with open arms. As much as I loved taking a summer vacation in a town comparable to the one on the Stepford wives, with its perfectly manicured lawns managed by people from a Southern region of this continent, the homeless and trashed streets of Tucson looked like the Garden of Eden to me when I arrived here a week ago. To commemorate my love for this ghetto of a city i have composed a list of the things I love most about it, and the UofA in particualar.

1. Sorority Girl Talk: College campuses are supposed to be places of intellectual theorization along with the formation of new ideas and profound discourse. Today I heard this conversation coming from a group of bleach blonde Alpha Phi's that went something like this....

Girl 1: OMG it's sooooo hot.

Girl 2: I know right? I'm like sweating....

..............20 second pause......................

Girl 1: The guy at Starbucks drew a shooting star on my latte cup this morning.

Girl 2: That's soooo awesome.

Shoot. Me. Now.

2. I love starting my mornings off at the gym with my gay friend Johann. His shorts are much shorter than mine and he sings Lady Gaga with more flair than I ever could. Rock on Johann.

3. Tucson probably has worse streets than any third world country. For some reason, the city decided that rain gutters weren't a necessity. However, when monsoon season comes along it makes for some awesome puddles to jump in! These puddles that are as wide as the street and about 2 feet deep make for prime splashing material to drive through and ruin any Sorostitutes hair day.

4. Egee's. I think that says it all but I'll go further. If you want the best slushy and sub of your life in a tacky bright green and yellow atmosphere, this is the place for you.

5. Riding my beach cruiser Vanilla Pudding around town and getting called "Baby" by a truck full of fat black men. Actually, this probably isn't one of my favorites part about Tucson but it happened today and it was such a confidence booster...not.

6. Living in an apartment that has metal bars on all the windows like a jail cell. Normally I would be repulsed by the idea, but I view this as an asset to the apartment that could help its resale value. I can see the ad now, "2 bed, 1 bath, washer and dryer and metal prison bars on all windows." I do sleep better at night considering even I could break in with these type of windows if it weren't for the bars.

7. Not having to live with my parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."

-Mark Twain

2009-08-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

Hobbies

2009-07-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

I think it's a bad thing when writing in this blog becomes an item on my to-do list. Oh well here it goes.

I have developed a hobby I am especially stoked about!! All summer while I have been wasting my life away my mom has been trying to force activities on me such as cooking, sewing, and crocheting. No offense to you Mom but those things flat out suck. In the parable of the talents the Lord encourages his servants each to multiply the talents they have been given. Well I am sure God is smiling down upon me as I have discovered and obsessively developed this new talent of mine!
A few days ago I was feeling my brain began to melt out of my ears because I was so bored. I randomly looked in the games closet and pulled out one that used to be one of my favorites..... Rummikub!!! I shrieked at the top of my lungs for my sister Kimmyto get in there and entertain me. I instantly became hooked and began to love this game even more when I could consecutively win every game against my poor sister. I even dragged her on a babysitting job with me so we could play. While we were babysitting, I completely forgot about the kid I was watching in the midst of my epic game playing. After about 7 games, Kimmy looked up and asked me where the kid went. She went into his room and he had found a tube of Desatin and rubbed it all over himself and the baby. They freakishly looked like they had both died and came back to interrupt my Rummikub game as ghosts.
Kimmy finally got sick of losing to me. She's a poor sport is what it comes down to. I started experiencing withdrawals from being able to match up tiles and came up with a solution!! I downloaded the game on my computer. The computer I play against is named Sebastian. At first it was a challenge but I think I have finally humbled Sebastian with my skills. Play me, I dare you.

"Making money is a hobby that will complement any other hobbies you have, beautifully."
--Scott Alexander

Annoyance

2009-07-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

This blog is officially devoted to how peeved I feel at the moment. Therfore if you don't wish to be bombarded by many whiny statements feel free to exit out. I would like to start off with this morning. I was woken up at 9:15 by my wonderful mother. I rolled over and looked at my phone. "what the flip?!" I thought to myself, "what teenager gets up before noon in the summer?!" Especially ones that stay up into all hours of the night doing absolutely nothing. I would like to use the analogy of getting drunk to staying up all night, in the morning you can't remember what happened for the life of you and are extremely irritable to lights, sounds, and the most subtle of human movements. Getting back to me drowsily moaning in my bed, I was then sent off on an array of errands to be completed, including being the official family chauffer to all my siblings. I constantly wonder to myself why they can't ride their bikes anywhere! As we drive I enjoy telling them stories about back in my day we rode our bikes six miles, uphill in 122 degree heat! This compares directly to the stories my parents used to tell me of how they used to walk uphill both ways to school in the snow. Needless to say it is only about 113 degrees outside. I believe this lovely Arizona heat is starting to get to me. I'm afraid to see what else will irriate me by the end of the day... and it's only 3:18....

"A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one."
--Kim Hubbard

Invincibility

2009-07-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

Today karma caught up with me. I am the type of person that learns lessons the hard way. I was the type of kid that when my mother told me the stove is hot decided to put my hand smack down on it just to see if she was lying to me or not. At sixteen I was also the type of kid who was at the DMV at the crack of dawn on their birthday to get their license. The sense of freedom and speed driving presented me with was thrilling. My motto was, speed limit? Amy Webb has no speed limit. I scoffed at my friends who got pulled over. What were they doing wrong that they couldn't avoid the cops better? I loved to tell stories about driving, seeing a cop, and pulling into the nearest turn of a neighborhood and pretending like I was in the middle of a high speed chase to get away from the potential of being pulled over. An accident couldn't even convince me to change my ways. How dare the person I crashed into have put their car in that spot? Let's commence to the present. Today I had to pick up my brother from a friend's. I was annoyed that I couldn't convince him to walk home a mile in 100 degree weather. I was still in my pajamas, without shoes, and rushed out of my house with my keys lacking my license. I soared down my favorite road to speed on with no problems. On the way back, I saw something at the end of that straight shot of a road. It looked like a kid sitting on his bike on the sidewalk just chillin. I peered down the road at him and thought what a weirdo why is that kid just sitting there?? However as I got closer the kid on the bike was pointing a gun at me... This was no retarded kid to my dismay, it was a jerk face of a cop just waiting to get sick pleasure out of giving me a ticket. After being convicted of 3 violations and coming close to being sent straight to jail, the ticket summed up to be about $650. I just learned a lesson worth nearly seven hundred dollars today and that is- I am a moron.

"Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." --Albert Einstein

Yoga

2009-06-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I experienced an epic butt kicking. I guess I'm what you call an experienced Yoga lover. I've experienced becoming in tune with my inner chi and all that jazz and when it comes down to it I love the "sport." This summer I decided instead of wasting my life on facebook I was going to something beneficial to my health. I signed up for this yoga class near my house that was tragically early in the morning figuring again that, it would be good for me. I went this morning for the first time sporting my cute little yoga pants with my matching mat and truly looked the part. The composition of the class consisted of all middle aged woman who I assume had each had children. This is where the irony comes into play. I am 18 years old. That is a statement of fact. Considering that fact I should be in the best shape and condition of my life. For the most part I am, I can get up a flight of stairs without passing out and run to the mailbox but that's about the extent of my abilities. Let's get back to the class. Now as I viewed these women, they were hard core with rock hard abs! Every single one of them had a body that I felt inferior to at my young age. We started warming up and already I needed to take a breather. Half way through theclass my muscles were shaking and I fell flat on my mat several times. By the end of the class I passed out on my mat during relaxation. When I got up I could barely stand up and totally whacked my head on the wall in the process of elevating myself to my feet. Maybe I'll improve as I continue on my journey of competing with a bunch of 40 year old women.
'
"Yoga is the fountain of youth. You're only as young as young as your spine is flexible. "
- Bob Harper

Conforming

2009-06-06T23:34:00.000-07:00

Just like most, I wanna be cool! It's probably my number one goal in life, besides reaching five feet tall and driving the whole Loop 202. With that in mind I believe that starting this blog will help me to accomplish all of my goals and wildest dreams. I hope this blog will continually enlighten whoever so chooses to view it. At this point I would like to introduce myself.....

Five Fascinating Things About the One and Only Me
1. I love to write, write, and write some more. So watch out.
2. I can sleep anywhere. My favorite nap spot is under my piano.
3. I am the world's biggest moocher. Drinks, food... especially food.
4. UofA is the only school that can make you proud to be a freshman once again.
5. I am in the process of finding a new companion. Most likely a beta fish....

In closing I would like to add "I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally."
- W.C. Fields