If by chance...

You throw rocks through my open bedroom window at one in the morning asking for the key to my apartment complex's hot tub, and you are my husband's best friend, I will want to throw a brick at your face.

"No enemy is so annoying as one who was a friend, or is still a friend, and there are many more of these than one would suspect." -William Saroyan

I hate the phone.

The demanding ring of the phone, any phone, makes me want to crawl into the depths of the corner between my bed and closet and hibernate until death overcomes me.  Here are a few instances contributing to this aversion as of late:

1.  Four nights a week and weekends I answer the phone delightfully at Tucson Chrysler Jeep.  By the end of the week I have to restrain myself from vomiting as the scripted, "Thank you for calling Tucson Chrysler Jeep how may I direct your call?" spews itself out of my mouth.  This week a man called.  Unfortunately one cannot tell the intelligence quotient of an average man over the receiving line.  I monotonously repeated my lines and he said, "Let me talk to Gerry." Alright Sir Demanding let me transfer you.  Within a thirty second time frame, my phone rings, and Sir Demanding asks for Gerry again.  The same scenario was repeated as I gauged my left eyeball out with a paperclip.  The man gave me a twenty second window before calling back once more and stating, "Hey, I didn't want to talk to Jeremy.  I got his Voicemail and it said that it was Jeremy's line not Gerry."  Luckily, I have the average intelligence of a monkey and said with a sugary sweetness practically wetting my lips as I spoke, "Sir, we have two Jeremys at our dealership.  To help distinguish between the two, the one you wish to speak with goes by Gerry.  He simply says his name is Jeremy on his answering machine because that's his name." As I now was stabbing my right eye out of its socket with the stapler he said, "Well that that doesn't even make sense, you need to learn how to do your job lady." I really hope he gets hit by a bus.

2.  I am in ardent need of someone to take over the duty of wrangling the horrid mess upon my head that some like to call hair.  My sister-in-law gave me the number of the lady who does her hair. Desperately calling yesterday evening I dialed the number.  After a few rings a man answered the phone. Freaking me out I just hung up the phone.  For one, I thought no one was going to answer so it surprised me and my first impulse was just to hang up.  And two, the man was Asian.  My other thought was, I didn't call Old China Buffet, why would he be answering the phone.  No harm, no foul right? So wrong.  Almost instantaneously the number I called shows up on my phone.  I ignore the call, how awkward of a conversation would that have been if I had answered? Then, oddly enough I get notification of a new voicemail.  As I listen to the message and an Asian man, with an overwhelming accent and horrendous English says, "When you call, do not just hang up, say sorry wrong number, don't be a coward." Whatever man.

Actually, I don't just hate the phone, I hate everything this week.  #supergrumpy #hashtag

This Summer....

My accomplishments: I just finished season two of Gossip Girl.
My goals:  Avoid a shift at work with crotchety old people. 

When people at school ask me what I did over the summer it's going to be embarrassing. Oh well, today I am going to make bread...that should be invigorating. 

"Do what we can, summer will have its flies."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Grasshoppers

This morning this ugly thing was on the car windshield:


Seriously, so ugly.  And as I was driving I wondered what kind of meaning having a green grasshopper on your windshield might signify.  Great honor? Good fortune? Honorable posterity? A guaranteed parking spot rivaling the handicap's at every location?
No. It means that there is a gross bug on your windshield.

"Everything in life is luck." -Donald Trump

Yay Tara!

One of the perks of being married is being able to go INSIDE here.


I love it there.  What I love even more is being able to go with the lovely Sister Cordner.

What a happy day. I love you Tara and am so excited for your upcoming adventures!

"I have said it before' I will say it again: there is no fog so dense, no night so dark, no gale so strong, no mariner so  lost but what the lighthouse of the Lord can rescue." -President Thomas S. Monson

If You Were Wondering....

It was perfect.
Here are some of my favorites from the day.

Oh Grandpa....

I get to be Aunt Amy now!

D'awwww.

So much awkward.

I protested until the day before the wedding that I did not want any form of dancing at the reception.  I gave in. I'm glad I did.

Sean's face.

Sean's face.

Woot.

So much stud.

Again, Sean's face.

:)

The people who made us.

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."  -Rita Rudner

Television

Sean and I decided to buy a TV. Now, we have a TV the size of Rhode Island. I'm thinking about opening a drive in theater this TV is so large. This TV comes up to my hips. If Sean has a midlife crisis, we will have to get a house just for the TV (in Texas because it wouldn't fit in Rhode Island).

Ok, the TV isn't that big. 36" of screen just seems unnecessary to me. Men. It's a good thing I love him.

"Do you realize if it wasn't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?" -Al Boliska

Senioritis

I'd rather take a shower with four hobos who haven't bathed in a decade than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather pull a Britney Spears and shave off my hair than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather eat tofu boiled in 40 year old chicken broth than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather have five beer bottles attached to the fingers on my right hand than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather be stuck in a nursery calling for the rest of my life than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather be immobilized in an outhouse for 8 years with a rabid wolf than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather live in a hut on a deserted island with no one but a babbling Birkahineo native than go to school tomorrow.

I'd rather become an ASU fan than go to school tomorrow.

I really don't want to go back to school tomorrow....

"You can't learn in school what the world is going to do next year." -Henry Ford